we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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