My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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