I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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