Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Someone signed my nipple.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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