I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
