Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
