I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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