just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
