i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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