So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
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You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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