we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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