The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
