Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he told me I talked like a deaf person
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
