spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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