Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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