Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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