Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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