Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
