I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Someone shattered a urinal.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
