Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
