I feel like abortions should bother me more
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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