The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
