Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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