I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
