So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
