Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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