We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
