my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
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Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
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Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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