I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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