I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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