Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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