She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
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Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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