I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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