I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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