I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
