I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen