Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Are we still banned from the library?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.