It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.