Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
