my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
