New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
