Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
