I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
