I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
