Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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