i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
