and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Randomize
