apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We talked him into tasing himself.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
