She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Randomize
