You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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