rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
