2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
