Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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