I want to have your abortion
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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