I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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