Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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