I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
